How are you “feeling”?

Oh, just fine. I’m “great”, just awesome. Thank you so much for asking.

The question is genuine, but the answer isn’t. I’m not “great”, I’m something else which I can’t describe.

It’s been almost a year since I completed radiation treatment and the facts are, I am feeling anything but “great”.

I feel exhausted. It still takes alot of energy to do basic things. I still run out of gas in areas of my life that I used to be able to do alot more.

I feel guilty. Over the last few years, I’ve seen too many friends and colleagues suffer with this fucking disease. Why them? Why not me?

I feel pressure. I now know that every day is such an incredible gift that has so much value it’s impossible to even describe. I feel an overwhelming need to do something spectacular with this, but I have no idea what or how to even start.

I feel blessed. Sometimes the act of giving involves accepting the help of others. I am overwhelmingly blessed with resources, love and help.

I feel hope. I somehow know everthing will be OK. It’s not my job to have all the answers.

I think the answers may be simpler and easier than they seem. Maybe it’s just love. Giving, accepting and being OK with just “being”.

It’s 2:48 AM. I woke up with this on my heart. Going back to sleep now. Carry on.

2 replies
  1. Cyndi Henderson
    Cyndi Henderson says:

    After Sheryl Sanberg lost her husband, she said many people often asked the open-ended impossible question: “How are you?” (How do you THINK I am? she would say inside her head while being polite.) One day someone asked “How are you TODAY?” She said that one word -“today” – made all the difference. It acknowledges the ups and downs of recovery and grief – and there is no real answer to “How are you?” when you are in that place. But TODAY: I’m having an ok day today. Today I’m not so great. Today I feel blessed. Today everything sucks.

    How are you TODAY, Charlie?

    Peace and love, always.


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