Being vs. Doing – Christmas Reflections after a year of curveballs

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Merry Christmas to all this year!


This year threw us some curveballs, including cancer, a huge business opportunity and a new home to renovate. I was just reviewing my goals for last year and oddly, they are largely under-achieved. Yet, those goals said nothing of headwinds or taking advantage of what’s in front of you.
This year God has given me a new lens which I am fortunate to be able to use. So, I need to use it.


My “goals” also said nothing of being thankful for where we are in life, including health, family and general happiness.


So my “goal” for this next year is to be OK, with “just being”, including being thankful for where you are not just where I am going. It’s not my path anyway. Disclaimer, I will still be working hard on my goals…but with a different lens.

“Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.”

Wayne W. Dyer


Thank you all for being so supportive this last year, we’ve felt the love and prayers…..

Six Weeks Post Radiation – Quick Update

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So you know how a microwave oven keeps “cooking” the food even after it’s finished? I think radiation treatment is a bit the same. I naively thought that once it was over, symptoms would stop or at least start improving.

That’s not the case. But, I can feel it coming! Apparently, after some “research”, the symptoms “peak”, 4-6 weeks AFTER treatment ends. News to me.

According to the radiation machine’s manufacturer, Varian here’s their definition

The TrueBeam® radiotherapy system is an advanced medical linear accelerator—fully-integrated for image-guided radiotherapy and radiosurgery. and designed from the ground up to treat targets with enhanced speed and accuracy. TrueBeam treats cancer anywhere in the body where radiation treatment is indicated, including lung, breast, prostate and head and neck. Having the power to not only treat quickly, but also deliver highly precise dose rates are hallmarks of the TrueBeam system.

Varian Medical Systems on TrueBean Radiotherapy

I’m still not exactly sure what an “advanced medical linear accelerator” is. Here’s what they say:

A medical linear accelerator (LINAC) is the device most commonly used for external beam radiation treatments for patients with cancer. It delivers high-energy x-rays or electrons to the region of the patient’s tumor.

Radiotherapy.org

I’m only sharing this to set expectations for anyone about to do radiation. Especially radiation in the head or neck area. Those areas are apparently have tons of nerve endings making the process a bit more irritating to those tissues.

It’s OK, just means I don’t have to go to EVERY Christmas party or business trip. Hopefully just a few more weeks and the corner will turn!

Hickory Creek Renovation – Part 1

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In July 2019 we bought a really amazing property in Hickory Creek, Texas. Now Hickory Creek is part of the Dallas Metro area and consists of the northwestern shores of Lake Lewisville, one of the larger lakes in the region. In fact, it’s known a bit as a “party lake”, but frankly, it’s HUGE. At almost 30,000 acres.

Because of the “Party” reputation, we had always opted for a quieter lake nearby, Lake Grapevine, which was closer to house and had good trails for hiking, biking and we stored out boat there for a number of years.

We’d been looking for a “Lake Home” for almost 15 years, with the same agent, who was really patient with us, but we could never really get past giving up the convenience of our home and location so it never went anywhere.

Until this spring.

So, really with no prompting, our agent, Rene Graver, who specializes in “Lake Properties”, said she had felt a good potential fit for one particular property that had “quite a history”. Being a bit busy, I forwarded the note to Mary who promptly sent me this picture with “check out these views”…

Original Listing Pictures of our Home in Hickory Creek

OK this place looks pretty cool, but it was way beyond anything I had considered feasible price wise. But, “just for fun”, we went to take a look.

Wow, this place is amazing….it has water on 3 sides, like a private peninsula. It’s been on the market many times and for a long time and I can see why. It’s got three buildings, two of which are sort of apartments, there’s an interesting collection of other buildings, including a well house, a pool house and a “tiki hut” which houses a hot tub. The deck itself is probably 3000 square feet just off the back of the house.

While the property was amazing, the buildings themselves were built in the 60s and have been renovated at least 2-3 times over the years. The most recent one was clearly expensive. A trex deck, beautiful tree lights, a pavestone walkway, etc. But I think it was 20+ years ago…like 1998, or 1999.

So we took a guess at the value of the property after renovation, less some of the cost to bring it “current” and made an offer, which was quickly accepted.

Turns out I am somewhat “related” to the previous owner, it’s a small world. He knew my aunt, uncle and cousins all from up the road. And turns out Hickory Creek is true “small town”, right in the middle of the city. This dude knows EVERYONE. I feel like we are in a time warp or something. Flower Mound, literally 5 miles up the road feels like an urban city in California these days and here’s a city so close by that literally operates like a small town in Texas from the 1970s. We’re now actually friends with the previous owners and now have connected with the owners prior to that….the world is VERY small.

So we buy the place, hire a contractor (a GREAT ONE), and set about getting ready to “renovate” again and bring the place current. We think the renovations are going to make the home truly livable and increase the value appropriately, but there’s ALOT of work to do.

THE GROUNDS

So there’s ALOT of stuff on these grounds, almost two acres. The statues of alligators, singing frogs, chimineas, a tree house, a broken dock, a paddle boat, grills, a pool table, a deck box, more statues, little wire animals, etc. It’s fascinating!

The Grounds with 50 Years of “Stuff”

I decide this is a great time to buy a Machete and start to clear the area…great fun that was! But, I have to remind myself that during the middle of all this, I was diagnosed with a rare (but curable) cancer…READ ABOUT THAT HERE so I decide to take it easier than normal.

What’s clear to us is this place has been the dream for multiple families and we feel the need to honor the history in whatever we choose to do. So, while it may be profitable to pull the whole place down and build condominiums, we just can’t do it. The place has too much history, and love.

So, for now the renovation has started. It’s taken much longer than we expected just to get going and it seems everywhere we turn, there’s more money to spend, more problems to sort etc. But we’re LOVING THIS, as long as the process doesn’t murder us or our bank account first.

More later.

For now, we’ll drink more wine.

Being Kind (to Yourself)

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Our friend is undergoing the early stages of radiation in Houston right now. The other night, just thinking about what she’s been through and what she’s about to go through got to me. But, I also realized what I’ve been through was getting to me too. While I want to be compassionate for her, I need to be compassionate to myself as well.

This feels selfish, but it’s not. Here’s why.

You simply cannot love others without loving yourself. That means taking all that negative talk out of your head and be compassionate with yourself. Right now.

High Standards Prevail, but in Context

I went back to the gym last week and I’ve never been the biggest/strongest guy there AT ALL, but I’ve traditionally been on the respectable side. Not now. Last week my trainer put up a tiny little set of weights and said go for it. I refused and wanted bigger ones, which we did. But, in this process I realized I simply had unrealistic expectations of myself. I would never expect one of my daughters, or Mary or really anyone else to try and bench press their body weight after 5 months off and radiation therapy.

What’s my problem? At that moment, my head started pounding and I just sat there feeling dazed. At that moment one of the really nice people at our gym just looked at me and said:

“Charlie, be compassionate with yourself”.

This really got me to thinking. WHY are we so hard on ourselves? One of my biggest mental struggles in this process is not feeling productive. I’m a serial entrepreneur, I own three separate businesses all of which have their own needs. But I’ve been careful to own them, and not operate them. They’ve been fine…they haven’t grown much in the last 5 months, but they haven’t shrunk either. So in that way, I accomplished EXACTLY what I wanted…a business that doesn’t really need me. But, it’s also unnerving.

Managing your mind is likely more important than managing any other part of your life.

I’ve been learning about “mindfulness”, which is basically taking the controls back of your mind. I am really bad about letting all the voices run wild in my head with worst case scenarios, whispering in my ear all kinds of crap. Meditation has helped this over time I have learned to slow down the mind and just “be”….and “be compassionate with yourself”.

Psychotherapist and wellness coach Megan Bruneau suggests practicing simple awareness of thoughts and feelings, particularly the “critical inner voice” — without trying to change anything. She helps her clients understand how their critical inner voice has been helpful in the past. “What or who was it protecting you from? How did it motivate or comfort you? Once you find understanding and compassion for the critical voice, you can thank it for the good intentions.”

Allison Abrams, Psychology Today

Why compassion is important, especially when you fail

I have a friend who is dealing with a very public business failure. I am not fully aware of everything, but I know he’s been hurting, re-evaluating his associations, values and other things. He shared his stories of panic attacks every time the phone rings, and waking up in the middle of the night with soaked sheets.

I’ve been there. So have others. It sucks. But in his case he seems to be close to forgiving himself, for allowing himself some compassion. In the long run, he’ll be the guy that conquered all that and went on to the next thing and he’ll be better for it. I’m proud for him crossing the chasm.

In my experience self compassion in that situation is super hard. That situation is harder than cancer. It’s harder because in your mind you created it and you have yourself to beat up for it. It’s also your professional reputation, which is fragile. With cancer, there’s nothing to blame yourself for with but when you fail in business, your blame is everywhere. At least that’s what you tell yourself. I am praying for his self-compassion soon, if it’s not already there.

God is compassionate, YOU can be compassionate too.

So to conclude, our small group last night we had a discussion about prayer and asking God for support, love and compassion. Why not? What’s holding us back? In the New Testament, stories abound about loving your neighbor as yourself, and so on.

So it seems to me that loving yourself fully is the first step to loving others and bringing good forward. Being compassionate with yourself and others is part of the plan.

Now, get out there and show some compassion, but start at home.

Weakness in Healing. 3 Weeks Post Radiation

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Yes, that picture is me on my 50th birthday. I’m just a couple of years older now but have been through more. It seems to me that without THAT strength the process I’ve just been through of enduring two surgeries and 30 radiation treatments would have been MUCH worse.

So the preface for the little pity rant I have now is that without preparation and strength, weakness would have been MUCH worse. I thank our trainer and coach Adam Hammett for making this real. Without him, I’m really not sure how this would have gone. Worse for sure.

So I finished radiation treatment three weeks ago. I was excited for the discomfort to come to an end.

It hasn’t.

In fact, it’s stayed pretty consistent. Headaches, fatigue, sinus pain from the treated area and some other things I won’t bore you with. Let’s just say I still can’t taste or smell. I must admit to getting a little irritable. When I met with our Dr. last week I asked how long this will take.

‘They don’t know. It could be two more weeks, months or even years. “. She says.

Well shoot. Time to get used to the new normal I guess.

Look I’m thankful it wasn’t worse. I have my eye and all my brain still in one piece. But I gotta tell you until you see the light at the end of the tunnel this is annoying.

So I go searching for some kind of uplifting passage about pain and healing. This one came up.

“Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”

Isaiah 53:4-5

Like many of you, I’ve read stories about the suffering endured on our behalf. I have to admit I still don’t really get it. I’m not suffering I’m merely annoyed and hurting a tiny fraction of what He endured. Why are we so weak? I do not feel strong today but I know I am, because I know I am not alone.

I’m looking forward to getting through on the other end of this and being the man that endured and thrived.

Until then I need some pain medicine. 👍 .

Pity party over. Carry on.

10 Days Complete. Feeling stronger every day.

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I completed radiation 10 days ago. I must admit I haven’t felt any better over the last 10 days until today. It was small and I’ll spare you the details. But finally a small improvement.

I guess I had expected the effects of radiation to wear off faster. No taste, burned sinuses, burned face and eyes. Yesterday I was able to hit the 10,000 steps demanded by my Fitbit but then I slept for 12 hours.

Oh and it doesn’t hurt that we are on a cruise with our friends. 😎

More to come. Feeling stronger every day.

5 Things I learned during cancer treatment. Oh yea, and I am cancer free! #cancerfree #fuckcancer

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I just completed two surgeries and 30 treatments of radiation for a very rare sinus cancer. I was super lucky. I have all my body parts, my face is a bit crispy at the moment, but it’s in-tact. I am so thankful for the doctors and nurses at UTSW. They are amazing. But, this journey is different for everyone and no one experiences it the same.

Here’s a few things I learned:

  1. Cancer sucks. It impacts just about everyone at some point in their lives either directly or indirectly. It doesn’t discriminate. White, Black, Hispanic, rich, poor, young, old, whatever. It doesn’t matter.
  2. How your show up matters the most. In my experiences watching people go through this there’s a tremendous difference in the victim, the passenger or the warrior. The victim complains, the passenger takes what comes without comment and the warrior takes command. I think everyone is different. I started out in the passenger camp and ended up in the warrior camp. Again, I’m lucky so it’s easier for me to be that way.
  3. Some of your “friends” are faking it. This one really sucks to write, but it’s true. Some of your so called friends really don’t care. I see this as a great opportunity to learn who those are and pull some weeds. I had one guy (a customer posing as a friend) ask if I had a autopsy done yet. I told him I wasn’t dead yet but yes, I had pathology done and the result was malignant. He answers, “Hey where’s that report your promised.” You don’t need fakers in your life.
  4. Treatment is incredibly draining. I didn’t do chemo, but I see the results of radiation. I am exhausted. I’ve never NOT been able to do something because I was too tired. If someone is going through this, give them some space.
  5. Every case is different. I feel like these doctors are chasing ants and killing them one at a time, and each ant behaves differently, eats different stuff, looks different, etc. It’s literally impossible to get all the different varieties. For anyone who has looked at this disease, the variations are so endless, I have no idea how we can beat it until we find the core issues causing it. I have no idea what that is, but I plan to support organizations that have an idea where to start.

Last but not least is the biggest one. I saw a tumor in my head that looked huge. It’s now gone. But consider this.

You are only here today because God decided for you to be. You could have stepped off a step wrong, pulled into the wrong lane on the freeway, choked on your food, had a heart attack, been murdered, ANYTHING. The odds are truly against us having a pain free and suffering free life.

The real question is “What are you going to do with TODAY?” It’s a gift, you are only here because God wants you here.

Charlie Alsmiller

Look I’m no religious bigot or crazy bible beater, I get it. I am friends with non-believers and I can see how they got to where they got. But, in THIS experience, God was EVERYWHERE. The nurses, the hospital, the doctors, the community, my family, my body. It’s impossible to ignore.

So my parting thought here is this.

What are you going to do with tomorrow? What are you holding back on doing? Who are you holding back on loving? What thing can you do that makes an impact? Tomorrow might be the day that you end up with an Avocado in your head, like me.

Contact me anytime, I am going to go back to my normal posts of talking about software, marketing, self awareness and the like too but one thing is sure. I am different and tomorrow will be different because God has given me a cancer free future.

Love to you all.

A Radiation Treatment / End to End in 30 Seconds Captured on Video #fuckcancer #radiation

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Today marks my 29th radiation treatment. It went exactly like the rest.

  • Arrive to awesome valet
  • Check in
  • Head to “Gowning” to change into my beautiful surgical gown
  • Wait a few minutes and chat with the other inmates
  • Get called
  • Head back give them my birthday
  • Lay down
  • Get zapped
  • Get up
  • Leave

Except today I snuck my fancy new iPhone in for a time lapse

I also realize that I’ve never actually seen this machine at work as I’ve been strapped on this table with this lovely mask.

So here it is. It’s really pretty cool.

[wpvideo jdscFHHq ]

This one machine does this 30 times per day. Saving 30 people.

Cool.

Gratitude in the Age of Entitlement

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I received notice today that our Health Sharing Ministry Christian Medi-Share had approved a $55000 bill from UT Southwestern for the first phase of my radiation treatments

What this means is my expense will now be shared with Medi-Share’s 200,000 members.

Medi-Share is NOT insurance. It’s a sharing ministry. I pay to support others and they pay to support me when we all need it.

None of us is as strong as all of us.

I can’t imagine a better example of this. As of today I estimate my total cost on this cancer journey to be well in excess of $100,000. Between wacky provider pricing, discounts etc you literally have NO IDEA what you’ve signed up for when you really need care. It’s so messed up.

When I checked in for surgery I asked “how much is this going to cost”? The answer was “would you like to speak with a financial counselor?” Oh and please sign this form accepting full responsibility for yet undefined and un-described liability.

Thank you sir now you can proceed to this life saving surgery that you need.

Wait! What have I signed up for? I have no idea. Would you buy a house for some unknown cost? A car? Anything? Nope. Yet this is exactly what we do now when we get healthcare under duress.

All I can say is thanks be to God for the protective layer of insurance and medical sharing ministries like Medi-Share.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:6

I am so grateful I don’t know where to start. Maybe I’ll start with tomorrow.

Today I listened to Metallica during radiation treatment and it was awesome. #Metalica #Beatcancer

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So I am now 26/30 of these treatments completed.

I’ve got the process down. You go in, you lay down, you put in your bite block, they clamp you in and the machine moves all around for a while (I assume they are taking images) , they take pictures, you wait for a doctor to approve, they zap, they move the table, they zap again and they come in and take your mask off. Every day, same process. It’s very predictable now.

The first process is the alignment of the Varian TrueBeam machine, which this huge machine rotates all around you. The machine itself is really cool and apparently can cost upwards of $5 MILLION which explains some of the ridiculous cost of this treatment.

Anyway, the staff is always super nice and friendly. Since getting strapped in a mask onto a table like this can be stressful, you have the option to listen to music of your choice, etc. Personally, I used meditation, which I no longer need to NOT feel anxious. After 25 sessions, I know what to expect, and the anxiety is lower now.

So, today I didn’t choose some slimy ballad or new age junk, I chose the Metallica station on Pandora and it was AWESOME.

I listened to Disturbed (down with the sickness), Ozzy, Metallica, and a few other head-banger bands that just put me into this “Screw-you cancer” mindset.

Managing your head is so critical in all this. You can be a victim or you can just say you know what, screw you cancer and I am going to kick your ass, with alot of help.

In my experience, listening to head-banger music s better for that than some wimpy music. But, hey YOU get to choose. All good.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12-2

The power to choose how you think and how you feel as a result to me is one of the greatest gifts that we have. In Stephen Covey’s famous book, the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, it’s chapter one. YOU have control of how you choose to respond. And with that, you have the power to choose what enters your mind and what doesn’t.

Today, I chose Metalica and it was awesome.